You don’t get to be called the Fat Grappler without eating your fair share of Big Macs. The truth is, though, I don’t get to any of the fast food joints regularly, anymore. I guess I could probably change the name of the column to the “Slightly Overweight Grappler”. It doesn’t quite have the same ring, though, does it?
Nonetheless, I recently took my family to my old stomping ground of McDonald’s. So, we got dressed up, put on the good fake jewellery and headed out for a bang up meal.
The first thing that struck me as odd is that McDonald’s seems to have become a health food store. There are salads and Heart Association Ticks as far as the eye can see. This could be a good or a bad thing, but that’s another can of worms for another time.
The item that stood out for me this trip was far simpler than the paradox of the only restaurant to be sued for making people obese being marketed as a healthy food distributor. No, it is far simpler, but equally telling. Nonetheless, many people will dismiss my observation as the opinion of an obsessive compulsive geek with too much time on his hands, but bear with me. You might even start to share my outrage.
You see, I started by ordering my Quarter Pounder. As you can see, I’m taking my health seriously. I’d usually order a Pounder. I’m trying to move away from downing four all beef patties per burger, so I settled for a standard 206g of 100% beef on a bun with some pickle.
Or at least that’s what I thought.....
You see, the Quarter Pounder now has new packaging and on the inside of the package is a little text.....
“If there are 2.2 pounds in a kilogram and McDonald’s Australia bought 18,000,000 kilograms of beef last year, how many quarter pounders is that? Well? Maybe you should get back to your burger.....”
Well, maybe that’s what you should do. McDonald’s probably don’t want you to actually read the equation they’ve printed on the box.....
18,000,000 / 2.2
4
It’s fantastic to see that the healthy food options have reduced the number of burgers by over 88%.
Now, I always knew McDonald’s couldn’t cook, but I thought they could do simple math. The equation should read:
18,000,000 x 2.2 x 4
I know McDonald’s core competency is serving Cheeseburgers, but if they can expand into healthy food, then surely they can expand into primary school mathematics. Either that or get someone to check their maths before the print run. A ten year old kid couldn’t cost that much for three minutes’ work.
Alternately, maybe we should adopt McDonald’s new conversion. Australian beef sold in the US and other places that measure in pounds would be 8.8 times as expensive, world records in weightlifting would be a lot less and I’d probably be able to move my fridge by myself. But, most importantly, the Fat Grappler would weigh about 15 pounds.
Post Script: McDonald's changed the packaging for the Quarter Pounder at some point to reflect the correct math. Good on them. At least they can read.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Brush with Certain Death - A Tsunami Hits Australia
This morning, at 0640, there was a magnitude 8.1 earthquake registered in the Solomon Islands. Concern for the inhabitants of the Solomons and the three killed in the earthquake was fleeting, though. The earthquake had triggered a tsunami threatening the east coast of Australia.
Despite travel time for the tsunami being in the region of five hours, many Gladstone businesses were evacuated as soon as humanly possible. Delays were caused when local authorities had to find out precisely what a tsunami is. After several hours of research, one of the officers clicked on "Did you mean: tsunami" and Google offered the answers.
Until this time, it was assumed that Su Nahmi was an Al-Queda operative armed with a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Elsewhere in the country, other important steps were taken to prepare for the impending disaster.
At 0642, petrol prices in all areas north of Brisbane rose to $4.50 per litre. Real Estate agents jacked up the price of inland properties and changed their descriptions to include words like "beachfront" and "ocean views" and large chain supermarkets dramatically increased the cost of fruit grown in the danger areas. At opening time, Sydney supermarkets pricemarked bananas, mangoes and kiwifruit at record margins. New Zealand had to be at risk, too, right?
Heartened by this, the Australian Rugby Union sent the Wallabies to a training camp in western New South Wales, bet on Australia to win the World Cup and resubmitted their bid to host the cup in 2011.
Finally, a crew member from channel Nine's "A Current Affair" rang the offices of Seven's "Today Tonight" posing as a women's magazine editor. She told Seven staff that Schappelle Corby is, in fact, a man. Seven News immediately dispatched Anna Coren to Bali to get the scoop. Meanwhile, Nine sent a slew of reporters to North Queensland to stand outside flood-damaged houses and ask the tearful owners what it felt like to lose it everything.
US President, George W. Bush pre-recorded a message of condolence and dispatched 80,000 troops to find Su Nahmi and the Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Obviously, my entire town of Boyne Island was in peril. I gathered myself and considered the danger, the probability and the safe course of action. Then, I called my wife and told her to pack up the kids and drive west - and just keep driving.
Then I went down to the beach.
As I stood ankle deep in the water, I could see the tsunami as it rolled toward me in the distance. It was enormous! A wall of water a dozen metres high and a dozen miles away as it slowly came closer and closer. Then, I realised it wasn't that far away. It was right there in front of me!
The great tsunami crashed into my knees and rolled up a few feet past the high tide mark........
I really hope my wife has her phone turned on.
Despite travel time for the tsunami being in the region of five hours, many Gladstone businesses were evacuated as soon as humanly possible. Delays were caused when local authorities had to find out precisely what a tsunami is. After several hours of research, one of the officers clicked on "Did you mean: tsunami" and Google offered the answers.
Until this time, it was assumed that Su Nahmi was an Al-Queda operative armed with a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Elsewhere in the country, other important steps were taken to prepare for the impending disaster.
At 0642, petrol prices in all areas north of Brisbane rose to $4.50 per litre. Real Estate agents jacked up the price of inland properties and changed their descriptions to include words like "beachfront" and "ocean views" and large chain supermarkets dramatically increased the cost of fruit grown in the danger areas. At opening time, Sydney supermarkets pricemarked bananas, mangoes and kiwifruit at record margins. New Zealand had to be at risk, too, right?
Heartened by this, the Australian Rugby Union sent the Wallabies to a training camp in western New South Wales, bet on Australia to win the World Cup and resubmitted their bid to host the cup in 2011.
Finally, a crew member from channel Nine's "A Current Affair" rang the offices of Seven's "Today Tonight" posing as a women's magazine editor. She told Seven staff that Schappelle Corby is, in fact, a man. Seven News immediately dispatched Anna Coren to Bali to get the scoop. Meanwhile, Nine sent a slew of reporters to North Queensland to stand outside flood-damaged houses and ask the tearful owners what it felt like to lose it everything.
US President, George W. Bush pre-recorded a message of condolence and dispatched 80,000 troops to find Su Nahmi and the Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Obviously, my entire town of Boyne Island was in peril. I gathered myself and considered the danger, the probability and the safe course of action. Then, I called my wife and told her to pack up the kids and drive west - and just keep driving.
Then I went down to the beach.
As I stood ankle deep in the water, I could see the tsunami as it rolled toward me in the distance. It was enormous! A wall of water a dozen metres high and a dozen miles away as it slowly came closer and closer. Then, I realised it wasn't that far away. It was right there in front of me!
The great tsunami crashed into my knees and rolled up a few feet past the high tide mark........
I really hope my wife has her phone turned on.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Why Am I a Freak? (or Why I can't Stand Basketball and Animal Biscuits)
If I'm approached in the street by a stranger and told how good I must be at basketball one more time, I might just fold that stranger up and take a three point shot with his contorted body right under a passing truck.
OK, maybe I wouldn't go that far. I might well scream, though. You see, I'm not very good at Basketball. I don't even like the game. I've never watched a whole game all the way through. Even when my parents took me to see the Harlem Globetrotters as a child, I was bored. And they had trampolines. TRAMPOLINES, PEOPLE!
I succumbed to the peer-pressure a few times, though. In high school, I joined the Basketball team and rapidly found out I was better suited to Rugby. At least it seemed that way from the extraordinary number of opposition players missing skin and teeth. Oh, and the amount of time I spent on the bench.
But, when there was an opposition player really tearing us apart, coach knew what to do. Inside a couple of minutes, that hotshot would be laying on his backside twitching and I'd have a referee pointing me to the showers - usually in a very animated fashion. It wasn't that I set out to hurt people, though. It's just that I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know the difference between screening, blocking and charging (and still don't). Since I had to play, coach took advantage of my considerable ham-fistedness.
When I was in the Army, I played a whole season in the local competition with the base team. I'd improved, though, and became a valuable member of the team. I still knocked people around a bit and got benched a lot for said knocking, but I led the entire competition in rebounds.
By the way - I don't really know what a rebound is, but it's one of two things. Either it's catching a ball that bounces off the backboard or it's shoulder charging someone so that they bounce into the crowd. Since that last one was frowned upon, I'm pretty sure it's the first. For the record, though, I led the league in both. I don't remember ever scoring one basket, though.
The truth of the matter is that I don't like Basketball at all. I don't like to see kids with their hats on sideways wearing giant pants and speaking with an American accent. Especially since I'm in Australia. But more than that, I just plain don't like watching or playing the game at any level. I don't begrudge the sport - my son enjoys the game - and I've never had any truly bad experiences. It wasn't that I was bad at it, either. When I decided to learn some rules, I became quite useful.
So what is it that put me off? I put it down to society's double standards and pressures around height.
I'm two metres tall. That's around 6'7" for Americans and older folk. Or four-and-a -half cubits for ancient Romans and any members of the Rolling Stones that may be reading this.
If you're still having trouble putting that together, that's the same height as Andrew Gaze and Michael Jordan. It's also seven inches taller than the average Australian (That's almost half a cubit!). So, I'm regularly seen as some kind of freak. When you think about it, I suppose it's true. If a man is only four-ish cubits tall (I'm starting to like cubits - the rest of you can use 5'4" or 163cm), he'd be viewed as a little unusual, too. He'd probably even be typecast as a jockey or a chimney-sweep.
So, why aren't there any four cubit tall, squeaky voiced guys complaining that complete strangers that strangers tell them they'd look great in multi-coloured silk? The answer is simple. A complete stranger wouldn’t do that. Some self centred teenage jerk might for a cheap laugh, but no-one respectable would.
I've never seen an old lady in a supermarket walk up to a dwarf and say "Excuse me, I can't bend down. Can you get that jar of coffee off the bottom shelf for me?" It's just not socially acceptable.
It's not socially acceptable to tell a skinny stranger with an Afro that he'd make a great toilet brush. It's not acceptable to tell a catatonic kid's family that they should enter him in a staring contest. And nor should it be. Those are things that weigh on the minds of the people they're aimed at. It may be less dramatic to draw attention to a short person's height, but it is no less damaging to them emotionally.
So, why is acceptable to draw attention to a tall person's differences? It's even OK to do it loudly and publicly. A case in point is the loud "You're just f-in' HUGE!" I once got from a complete stranger at a party. Immediately, all eyes are on the big guy in the middle of the room. And it's not like you can hide behind someone. Unless the Harlem Globetrotters have turned up. But with all the snazzy uniforms and trampolines, I guess that's about the only time a freak like me doesn't get noticed.
So, next time you think about drawing attention to a stranger's height, have a think about the effect it may have on them. You might even pick the wrong person to ask at exactly the wrong time.....
"Say, you're tall. You'd be a good basketballer."
"Say, you're ugly. You'd make a great gorilla biscuit mould."
OK, maybe I wouldn't go that far. I might well scream, though. You see, I'm not very good at Basketball. I don't even like the game. I've never watched a whole game all the way through. Even when my parents took me to see the Harlem Globetrotters as a child, I was bored. And they had trampolines. TRAMPOLINES, PEOPLE!
I succumbed to the peer-pressure a few times, though. In high school, I joined the Basketball team and rapidly found out I was better suited to Rugby. At least it seemed that way from the extraordinary number of opposition players missing skin and teeth. Oh, and the amount of time I spent on the bench.
But, when there was an opposition player really tearing us apart, coach knew what to do. Inside a couple of minutes, that hotshot would be laying on his backside twitching and I'd have a referee pointing me to the showers - usually in a very animated fashion. It wasn't that I set out to hurt people, though. It's just that I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know the difference between screening, blocking and charging (and still don't). Since I had to play, coach took advantage of my considerable ham-fistedness.
When I was in the Army, I played a whole season in the local competition with the base team. I'd improved, though, and became a valuable member of the team. I still knocked people around a bit and got benched a lot for said knocking, but I led the entire competition in rebounds.
By the way - I don't really know what a rebound is, but it's one of two things. Either it's catching a ball that bounces off the backboard or it's shoulder charging someone so that they bounce into the crowd. Since that last one was frowned upon, I'm pretty sure it's the first. For the record, though, I led the league in both. I don't remember ever scoring one basket, though.
The truth of the matter is that I don't like Basketball at all. I don't like to see kids with their hats on sideways wearing giant pants and speaking with an American accent. Especially since I'm in Australia. But more than that, I just plain don't like watching or playing the game at any level. I don't begrudge the sport - my son enjoys the game - and I've never had any truly bad experiences. It wasn't that I was bad at it, either. When I decided to learn some rules, I became quite useful.
So what is it that put me off? I put it down to society's double standards and pressures around height.
I'm two metres tall. That's around 6'7" for Americans and older folk. Or four-and-a -half cubits for ancient Romans and any members of the Rolling Stones that may be reading this.
If you're still having trouble putting that together, that's the same height as Andrew Gaze and Michael Jordan. It's also seven inches taller than the average Australian (That's almost half a cubit!). So, I'm regularly seen as some kind of freak. When you think about it, I suppose it's true. If a man is only four-ish cubits tall (I'm starting to like cubits - the rest of you can use 5'4" or 163cm), he'd be viewed as a little unusual, too. He'd probably even be typecast as a jockey or a chimney-sweep.
So, why aren't there any four cubit tall, squeaky voiced guys complaining that complete strangers that strangers tell them they'd look great in multi-coloured silk? The answer is simple. A complete stranger wouldn’t do that. Some self centred teenage jerk might for a cheap laugh, but no-one respectable would.
I've never seen an old lady in a supermarket walk up to a dwarf and say "Excuse me, I can't bend down. Can you get that jar of coffee off the bottom shelf for me?" It's just not socially acceptable.
It's not socially acceptable to tell a skinny stranger with an Afro that he'd make a great toilet brush. It's not acceptable to tell a catatonic kid's family that they should enter him in a staring contest. And nor should it be. Those are things that weigh on the minds of the people they're aimed at. It may be less dramatic to draw attention to a short person's height, but it is no less damaging to them emotionally.
So, why is acceptable to draw attention to a tall person's differences? It's even OK to do it loudly and publicly. A case in point is the loud "You're just f-in' HUGE!" I once got from a complete stranger at a party. Immediately, all eyes are on the big guy in the middle of the room. And it's not like you can hide behind someone. Unless the Harlem Globetrotters have turned up. But with all the snazzy uniforms and trampolines, I guess that's about the only time a freak like me doesn't get noticed.
So, next time you think about drawing attention to a stranger's height, have a think about the effect it may have on them. You might even pick the wrong person to ask at exactly the wrong time.....
"Say, you're tall. You'd be a good basketballer."
"Say, you're ugly. You'd make a great gorilla biscuit mould."
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)